Violence of Existing
by Lillie Kapidaness
Summary: HPB Missing Moment. A conversation between Tonks and Lupin after the hospital scene and before the funeral.


The noise in the infirmary had quieted down. Molly Weasley and her future daughter-in-law Fleur Delacour were tending to the red-headed patient lying in hospital bed while the rest of the room, consisting of various Weasleys and family friends were absorbed in his or her own thoughts.

Nymphadora Tonks was the first to break the silence by saying, "I better go and check in with the other Aurors. Make sure everything is okay"

Mumbled "goodbyes" were given as she walked out of the infirmary. Once Tonks had left, a group of eyes collectively turned toward Remus Lupin.

"You should go after her," Arthur Weasley said as he sat in a chair beside his son's bedside.

"Arthur...," Remus replied

_oooooooooo_

He found her alone in the Great Hall sitting at a long table.

"I'm sorry," Tonks said quietly as Remus silently approached the bench to sit beside her. "I didn't mean to blurt that out back there. "

"Tonks...Nymphadora," Remus interrupted trying to think how to proceed.

"No, Remus...," she said. "Let me get this all out." Tonks paused for a moment, trying to think how to put everything racing through her heart and mind into words.

"It's just with what's happened tonight and the scene with Fleur everything to just sort of erupted. I didn't mean to bring it all up in front of the kids but something inside of me snapped. I stood there with you at my side watching Fleur, a beautiful girl whose fiance was just attacked by Greyback. My heart went out to her. She sat there by Bill's bedside, not knowing the full consequences of attack...or even caring about them...and making plans for her and Bill's life together." Tonks lifted her head to look at Remus with unshead tears in her eyes. "And nobody in the room questioned that."

"Well, maybe Molly did," Remus softly replied with a small smile on his face as he remembered the scene back at the infirmiry.

Tonks quietly chuckled while sniffling back the tears threatening to fall. "But you know what I mean. The others in the room didn't assume that their life together should be called off because of this...this...unfortunate event. Especially not Fleur."

Tonks sighed and turned her gaze once again to the table before her. "And then I got jealous. How come she gets to have the happy ending and I don't. I couldn't stand watching it and not reacting. I just felt this anger and resented that fact that I would never have that..the happily ever after. So I let go. You know what happened next."

Silence rung through the hall and Remus could tell that it was now his turn. "Nymphadora," he said, trying to come up with the right words to express himself. "I know you don't understand my reasons, but they are my reasons. Do you think I could live with myself if that were you lying in Bill's place? Because of me? That is my worst fear, hurting someone I care about."

"Remus..." Tonks replied in an exasperated voice.

"No, you've had your say, now let me have mine," Remus said in a commanding voice that quieted Tonks immediately. "Lycanthropy affect every aspect of my life. It's not just a once a month thing that I have to deal with. It's everyday. I can't have a normal life like everybody else. It permeates everything I do, everything I am. The closest thing I had to a normal life was here at Hogwarts and looked how that turned out."

"You can have that life, Remus." Tonks implored .

Remus hurrumphed, "Yeah, an old unemployable werewolf..."

"...living happily ever after. You deserve so much more than you allow yourself, Remus," Tonks said pleadingly as she pressed her palm to his face. "There are so many people who care about you...including me."

Remus's hand came up to cover hers. "I do realize that, but I can't allow you to make that sacrifice."

"What sacrifice?" Tonks implored. "I don't see it as a sacrifice."

"Nymphadora," said Remus trying to get her to see things from his point of view, "I'm classified as Dark Creature according to the Ministry. I'm dangerous. Just one little slip, one time forgetting to take my Wolfsbane and I could be like those animals I spent months with. It's a fine line. It's already happened once."

Tonks' hand slipped from Remus's face as she turned to face him fully. "Then who better to be beside you than someone who's trained to face the darkest of wizards," Nymphadora emphatically stated. "I deal with dangerous things on a daily basis--with the Ministry and the Order. I didn't get my Auror license just because I'm a metamorphmagus. I worked damned hard for it. I'm just as qualified as any other Auror out there. I know the risks involved, but I also know that I love you."

"It's not just that. Do you realize how much older I am than you? Half the people probably mistake me as your father," Remus retorted in defense.

A slow, slight grin began to grace her face as she realized she was finally wearing him down. "Who cares what others think! Do you think a woman who walks around looking like a box of crayons exploded on her head cares what others think?" Tonks remarked causing Remus to chuckle.

"And what is this about age, anyway," she continued on her rant. "When I'm 84 and you're 97, do you really think someone's going to look at us and say 'Oh, he's so much older than her. I don't know what she sees in him.' Nobody will care, just like nobody cares now. Only you."

Tonks lifted her hand to brush the stray graying hairs off his temple. "Besides, I like the combination of disheveled tweed and premature gray. It's quite dashing."

"Oh, yes, it's all the rage in this month's edition of Witch Weekly," Remus commented sarcastically.

"Come on. I bet there were more than a few conversations up in the girls' dormitories. Gossiping on about Professor Lupin. I've the small smiles some former students have given you."

The seriousness though returned as Tonks looked into Remus's eyes. "Remus, I just don't know how to let you go. I can't and when I do try I fall apart." The unshead tears returned to her eyes as she continued, " I've lost my morphing ability, I worry about you constantly, and I'm just lucky that I can still do magic. I'm falling apart here."

"Tonks, it's not any easier for me," Remus replied, tears forming in his own eyes. "I could hurt you so easily." He paused to rub his eyes.

Tonks grasped at the front of his robes and replied, "You're hurting me now by denying this. And you're hurting yourself, too."

"I do love you," Remus said n a voice so softly she almost didn't hear him say.

"Then let me love you in return," Tonks replied as her hands reached to stroke through his hair.

Remus gazed down at Tonks, shaking his head in bewilderment. "What am I doing to do with you?"

"Why don't you kiss me," she replied smiling suggestively, "and then we'll take it one day at a time. We'll deal with the 'what if's' when they happen. We both deserve a little happiness. Especially now with everything that's going on."

Remus rested his forhead on hers for a second before enveloping her in a crushing hug. The tears were now falling freely from Tonks's eyes as he gently cupped her cheek and tenderly placed his lips on her. The kiss was light and chaste in comparison to others she'd received in her life, but it was one she'd never forget.

Drawing back from the kiss, Tonks gazed into Remus's eyes and then rose from the table while tugging at his hand. "Come on," she said as she pulled him up. "It's late and we've got a tough day ahead of us. I think right now we're both exhausted."

"I think you're right." Remus answered.

As they walked out of the Great Hall Remus clasped Tonk's hand in his and raised it to his lips, pressing a soft kiss onto her knuckles before tucking it into crook of his arm.

"You know," Remus said offhandedly, "you're not going to win every argument we have."

"We'll see," Tonks replied as walked up the large staircase and into an unknown futre.

The End.

A/N. Tonks/Lupin have kicked Ron/Hermione out as my favorite HP couple. Didn't think anything could do that. I loved this pairing before HBP came out and that book had me in shock that she actually made it canon. As for the story, it's a one-shot and not completely cooperating with me, but this is what came out. Hope you liked it.

Oh, and I own nothing of HP, in case you were wondering.


End file.
